| 1. | Winning Too Much.
Goldsmith describes this annoying habit as: "the need to win at all
costs and in all situations — when it matters, when it doesn't, and
when it's totally beside the point." And he notes that it's easily the
most common behavioral problem he observes in successful people.
Strangely, when we're asked to think about it rationally, most of us
would agree that maintaining a positive working relationship with
others is far more important than winning every trivial argument and
creating unnecessary hard feelings. And yet ... the burning urge to WIN
very often gets the better of us. |
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| 2. | Adding Too Much Value.
This one is described as "the overwhelming desire to add our two cents
to every discussion." When you're in a leadership position, this
tendency can have a detrimental effect on employee morale. If an
employee comes to you with a great idea, Goldsmith's recommended
response is to say "Great idea! Go run with it." The alternative would
be to say, "Great idea, but here's how we can improve it ..."
In the process of adding your two cents, he reasons you may have
improved the idea by 10%, but you've reduced the employee's commitment
to executing it by 50%, because her idea has now morphed into your idea. Was it really worth it? |
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| 3. | Passing Judgment.
This is the need to rate others and impose our standards on them. In
Goldsmith's view, there's nothing wrong with offering an opinion on a
particular path or idea in the normal give and take of business
discussions. But it's never appropriate to pass judgment on other
people. |
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| 4. | Making Destructive Comments.
The needless sarcasm and cutting remarks that we think make us sound
sharp and witty simply have to go. They can be unnecessarily hurtful,
and they're impossible to take back once spoken. |
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| 5. | Starting with "No," "But," or "However."
Goldsmith points out that we're almost all guilty of blatant overuse of
these particular qualifiers, which clearly say to listeners, "I'm
right. You're wrong." In the author's experience, when you start a
sentence with "but" or any variation thereof, no matter how friendly
your tone, the message to the other person is immediately a competitive
one. |
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| 6. | Telling the World How Smart We Are.
This is the unyielding need to show people we're smarter than they seem
to think we are. Few people do this overtly in actual words, but many
of us do this unwittingly all day long, perhaps even with our body
language (e.g. nodding our heads impatiently while people are making a
point we already know). According to Goldsmith, what you're subtly
saying through these behaviors is, "You really didn't need to waste my
time with that information." That can be very off-putting. His advice
is to let such moments pass with a simple "Thank you," and move on. |
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| 7. | Speaking When Angry.
Be wary of using emotional volatility as a management tool. Some bosses
deliberately use anger to try and shake things up, but it's very
difficult to predict how employees will react to anger. Instead of
shaking things up, you may be shutting things down. |
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| 8. | Negativity.
This is an incessant need to share our negative thoughts, even when we
weren't asked. It's similar to Annoying Habit #5 (overusing "No, But
and However"), but even worse because it is pure, unadulterated
negativity. |
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| 9. | Withholding Information
is the refusal to share information in order to maintain an advantage
over others. Intentionally withholding information is the opposite of
adding too much value. In a typical workplace, this often manifests
itself in passive-aggressive people who routinely answer questions with
other questions or give only partial answers to your e-mail queries.
This type of behavior quickly engenders fear and suspicion amongst
those around us and it's incompatible with success in today's
knowledge-based economy. |
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| 10. | Failing to Give Proper Recognition.
This is the inability to offer praise and rewards. "When you deprive
people of recognition," writes Goldsmith, "you also deprive them of
closure. And in any interpersonal transaction — positive or negative —
we all need closure." Of all the gaffes we may be guilty of, failing to
give proper recognition always endures in the minds of the slighted. |
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| 11. | Claiming Credit We Don't Deserve.
The most annoying way to overestimate our contribution to any success
is by claiming credit we don't deserve. Some people steal credit
brazenly. But according to Goldsmith, many of us who display this
particular interpersonal flaw do it without even realizing. For
example, "When it comes to determining who held together an important
client relationship during a particularly rocky phase, the evidence may
be fuzzy." So, given the choice between claiming all the credit OR
leaving it for someone else to claim, we may fall into a trap. The
author's preferred approach is to share the credit as fairly as
possible. |
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| 12. | Making Excuses.
Goldsmith describes this habit as "the need to reposition our annoying
behavior as a permanent fixture so people excuse us for it." It is not
just about making excuses (e.g. "I'm sorry I'm late, the traffic was
murder.") It's about attributing our failings to some sort of an
inherited genetic flaw that cannot be altered, no matter what (e.g.
"I'm sorry I'm late. I've always been terrible at time management. My
spouse can't stand it. I guess that's just the way I am!"). Goldsmith
writes that he's amazed by how often he hears otherwise brilliant,
successful people making willfully self-deprecating comments of that
nature. There's no basis for these types of excuses! |
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| 13. | Clinging to the Past.
This one is all about the need to deflect blame away from ourselves and
onto events and people from our past. It's closely related to Annoying
Habit #19 (blaming everyone else). According to Goldsmith, among the
various types of executives he coaches, those who cling to the past are
often the toughest ones to fix. For reasons he cannot himself
understand, these folks want to re-live past injustices, and blame
their parents or former teachers, etc. for things that have gone wrong
in their lives. Of course, we can't do anything to change the past. The
challenge is to let go. |
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| 14. | Playing Favorites
often involves failing to see that we are treating someone unfairly. By
condoning suck-ups, you're likely not encouraging behavior that's in
the best interest of the company. After all, if everyone is always
fawning over the boss, who's going to challenge you when you're heading
down the wrong path? Worse still, playing favorites tilts the field
against the honest, principled employees who refuse to play along. This
amounts to a "double hit" of bad news — not only are you playing
favorites, but you're likely favoring the wrong type of people! |
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| 15. | Refusing to Express Regret.
This is the inability to take responsibility for our actions, or admit
we're wrong. Goldsmith suspects that many people have a fear of
apologizing because they see it as having "lost" a contest (and as
we've seen, many successful people have an irrational need to win at
everything!). The irony, of course, is that saying "I'm sorry," can
have precisely the opposite result. Instead of causing you to lose
ground, a sincere apology can in effect turn disgruntled co-workers
into allies, or even partners.
Apologizing is always a winning strategy! |
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| 16. | Not Listening
is simply "the most passive-aggressive form of disrespect for
colleagues." The reality for leaders of the future is that very bright
people are no longer willing to tolerate rude or disrespectful
behavior. If you insist on regularly looking at your watch, or typing
away on your Blackberry, while junior staff are giving a presentation
or seeking your direction, then there will come a day when those staff
simply get up and leave for another company. "Remember, their time is
valuable too!" |
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| 17. | Failing to Express Gratitude
is simply the most basic form of bad manners. As is the case with
apologizing, saying "thank you" is a magical super-gesture of
interpersonal relations. It will never annoy the person hearing it, and
it's the easiest thing in the world to say. Especially when you are
stuck for something clever to say. You can never go wrong with "thank
you!" |
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| 18. | Punishing the Messenger.
This one is a misguided need to attack the innocent, who are usually
only trying to protect us. If your goal is to stop those around you
from giving you input — of any kind — then there's no reason to stop
shooting your messengers. But on the other hand, if you happen to
possess this annoying habit, all you need to do when you receive a bit
of unwelcome news is say "thank you." That's always the best way to
keep the lines of communication with your co-workers open, and honest.
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| 19. | Passing the Buck.
This is the need to blame everyone but ourselves. Unlike many of the
other Annoying Habits listed here, which are often subtle and can go
unnoticed for a period of time, passing the buck is a high-profile
behavioral flaw, as obvious as belching in public! "When we pass the
buck," writes Goldsmith, "everyone notices, and no one is impressed."
The irony, of course, is that no one expects us to be right all the
time. Even the brightest lights are not infallible. But when we're
wrong, people certainly expect us to own up to it. Admitting as much is
a great way to demonstrate character. |
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| 20. | An Excessive Need to Be "Me."
This last one is about exalting our faults as virtues simply because
they exemplify who we are. For instance, Goldsmith has worked with
executive clients who feel entitled to express their opinions at any
time, no matter how harmful or non-contributory they may be, simply
because they're exercising their right to be "me." The sad truth is, no
matter who you are, it's never about you. It's about what other people
think of you! |
